God created men and women, and God created sex. But he created us with different sexual needs. Friends of ours, Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg, wrote a book called The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women that detailed these differences.
In researching their book, the Rosbergs interviewed around a thousand Christian couples about their sex lives. The results of these surveys are very revealing. According to their findings, here are the top five sexual needs for married men and women.
A man’s first need is mutual satisfaction. Sixty-seven percent of men said, “I want my wife to be satisfied.” Women need to understand that their husbands want them not only to participate in sex but also to enjoy it. This is tied to a man’s self-esteem. He wants to be a good lover.
A woman’s first need is affirmation. She wants to be appreciated before sex and be told she is beautiful. During sex, she wants to be affirmed by her husband. Like him, she wants to know she is a great lover.
The second need for both men and women is connection. A husband wants to feel as though his wife is focused on him and paying attention. In the same way, women want more than just a physical act that takes care of their needs. They want a total connection of body, mind, and spirit.
A man’s third sexual need is responsiveness. He wants his wife to be interested in sex and to say yes to it. This doesn’t mean she can’t say no or turn down sex. But a wife should realize that constant unresponsiveness to sex feels to the husband as rejection.
A woman’s third sexual need is non-sexual touch. This is hard for some men to understand, but women want soft and tender touch—outside the bedroom. Women don’t want to be groped. Nor do they want every touch to be a prelude to sex. But the more non-sexual affection a husband provides, the more sexual his wife becomes.
A man’s fourth sexual need is initiation by his wife. He wants her to initiate verbal affection, physical affection, and sexual affection. When sex is the woman’s idea, it means everything to him.
A woman’s fourth sexual need is spiritual intimacy. A typical wife wants her husband to be the spiritual leader of their home, to pray with her and connect with her on a spiritual level. This means most of what is sexually important to a woman happens before she gets in bed.
A man’s fifth sexual need is affirmation. Like the first need of the wife, a husband wants to be appreciated, respected, and honored. He wants to feel like he is not being taken for granted.
A woman’s fifth sexual need is romance. This means pursuing her by meeting unspoken needs. It shows her that she is valued and on his heart. Romance tells the wife that her husband is thinking about her—even when he doesn’t have to be.
Men and women are different by God’s design. Husbands and wives are not the same, and both have particular needs related to sex. Understanding those needs is key to a healthy, intimate, and successful sex life.
Jimmy Evans // Marriage Today